Forlorn !!

                    There are so many things crossing my mind lately, and some of those thoughts are making me nervous and putting me in misery. The thought of being happy, and in the midst of that happiness suddenly thinking, “You should not be too happy” (may kapalit yan), keeps coming to me.

I think being a pessimist is the perfect way to describe this part of me. Being negative has always been a part of me.

I’ve also been thinking lately about what I really want to do with my life. Every single day I wake up, and that heavy feeling still stings in my chest. I know that feeling—sometimes it comes back in flashes, all the bad things I have done in the past. (It’s like a kaleidoscope of memories.) And it keeps haunting and hurting me. (That is depressing!)

I feel unproductive. I feel like I am always in misery. I feel useless. (Wala kang magagawa kung ‘yan ang tumatakbo sa isip mo, diba?)

Maybe it’s just in my mind, but even though I try so hard to shrug it off, it’s still there. (Buti pa ito, forever!!)

URGGGHH!! What am I gonna do with my life?

Yes, I do have goals and dreams—I just don’t know how to achieve all of them. I want my family to be proud of what I do, but I guess they are not.

The things I have done, the effort I have given, and everything else don’t seem enough to erase the burden I caused before.

I hope I can get through these melancholic moments instantly, but no—no, seriously (hindi madali). There are times when all you can do is cry and cry and cry to release some of the pain.

(But it still feels like it’s not enough. The pain and chaos in my mind are still there.)

How can I be productive? How can I make them proud? I don’t want them to suffer because of what I did before.

Is this really painful? (Masakit kasi, alam mo na yan—talking to myself.)

How long will this last? How can I start if I don’t even know how? What do I need to do to make my life—or our life—the way I want it?

I want a comfortable life, and I also want to give that to my family. But how?

What a life. C’est la vie.

We cannot choose what God wants for us, but He will help us make it better. (I can’t wait for that moment, please, please!)

Probably, there is still a positive side left in me because I am still hoping for a better life one day. I know God has a plan for me and for everyone. He knows what our hearts are grieving, and He will help us reach our dreams and goals.

We just need to trust Him and believe. (Diba, there can be miracles when you believe, and miracles happen once in a while.)

I wish I could be more optimistic more often. Honestly, being an introvert is good at some points—it helps you think more about what to do. Hahaha.

But it’s not good when you focus only on negative moments in life, like me.

I wish I could erase the bad memories of the past. If I could ask for something, it would be a time machine so I could undo my mistakes and replace them with hard work.

But again, no, no, no—that will never happen. I can never bring back the past or make the wrong things right. (It’s all in the past—huli na ang lahat.)

Is happiness really hard to find? Maybe in some situations or at certain times.

I can’t even explain how I feel today while writing this. Here we go again.

It feels like something sad is about to happen… (Oh, please, not now.)

If I could beg for permanent happiness, I would.

It’s not new for me to feel this way—to feel forlorn.

For me, sometimes being sad has its advantages. It helps you realize things in life, big or small, it doesn’t matter. Sad moments like this help me understand what life really is, even though it’s depressing.

Maybe sometimes we need to get lost. Bad things are bound to happen so we are reminded of time and its worth—to make the most of it while we are still here.

Good or bad, it doesn’t matter. We are learning from it.

PS. I'm hoping for a great day ahead!!!

   When it rains, look for rainbow .

When it's Dark, look for the stars.